Forgiveness
by dreaminginglitter
Summary: An alternate take on episode 2x09, contains spoilers for Jack's death and a health issue we found out about in season 3. After Kate's miscarriage, guilt consumes her from losing her baby and from losing Jack twenty years prior. Will she be able to forgive herself?


**A****uthor's ****Note**: This is my first This is Us fic, and actually the first fic I'm posting in about 11 years. I used to write when I was about ten to thirteen, and then I quit. I've had this idea in my head for over a year now and finally decided to write it. As previously stated, I haven't written regularly in years, so my skill might be rough around the edges. I notice that there isn't a lot of fanfiction for This is Us, and I hope to change that. For now, this is a one shot, but I do have other ideas for This is Us that I could write about. This does contain information that we found out later, like about how Jack died and how he had heart issues. I hope you enjoy!

Two days.

It had been two days since Kate lost her child from a miscarriage, the past forty-eight hours had been a whirlwind. She knew, of course, that getting pregnant was high risk due to her weight; she didn't want to be excited. Any time she got her hopes up about something, the world just took it away from her in the blink of an eye.

She was angry that this had happened to her. Why couldn't she catch a break? Why couldn't she be happy? There were so many feelings inside of her that she couldn't even begin to describe, she just wanted to shut everything out and not feel anymore. She hadn't even cried yet; she was too numb. It was like a dull ache in her heart, and feeling nothing at the same time. Even numbness could be overwhelming, apparently.

She knew Toby loved her, and that he was hurting just as much as she was. But in anger, she had blurted out, "It happened to me, Toby. It didn't happen to you!" This was a mistake as soon as the words had left her mouth. Toby had just looked at her, his eyes filled with pain. He needed to have some space alone for a little while, and left to go talk a walk.

"Okay, whatever", Kate had thought bitterly, deciding to change out of the outfit she had been wearing from her singing gig earlier in the day, wanting to wear something comfortable. Walking into the bathroom to remove her makeup, seeing that damn shower curtain again, her chest tightened. She took her makeup off as fast as she could, feeling slightly dizzy from the memory of falling from pain. The moment she had lost her child, and the world just...stopped. Whenever something traumatic happened to her, the world fell out from underneath her feet. She was so sick of having bad things happen.

Feeling tired from everything that happened in the past day, she chose to lay on the couch, hoping for a break. It wasn't long, however, before thoughts began to fill her mind with pain, sadness, and regret. If she closed her eyes, it was like she was right back reliving some of her worst memories.

She was suddenly seventeen again, watching the house go up in flames. She remembered being absolutely terrified, and wanted the comfort of Louie, her dog. Exhausted and weak, trying to call out for the dog, she heard her father say he was going to go get him. Everything was in slow motion, and Kate couldn't speak, sob, or do anything except watch. Seconds felt like years. Eventually, Jack came out the front door with Louie and a bag of some kind. What mattered though was that he was alive. Everyone had gotten out safely, and things would be okay.

That is, of course, until he died in the hospital from a heart attack. If she hadn't called out for Louie, if she hadn't been so upset, maybe Jack wouldn't have gone back inside. He'd still be alive if it weren't for her choices that night, and she knew it.

_It's your fault, you know,_ a voice sneered in Kate's head, snapping her back to the present. _You're the reason both of them are gone. You killed your dad and your child due to your own selfish actions, and nothing you do will ever bring them back. They died because of you. This is your fault. _The voice in her head was her own. These thoughts came so regularly at this point that she didn't even try to fight them off anymore. It had been twenty years since Jack had died, so the thoughts must have been true.

Time must had passed; there was golden sunlight streaming through the window. The clock read 5:30 PM now. Annoyed, Kate wished the sun would just turn itself off. Everything was too bright, warm, and cheerful in contrast to how she felt, which was miserable and worthless. If she couldn't keep off the weight and keep her baby alive, what good was she?

A knock at the door made her jump in surprise. Numbly, she slowly got up to answer the door, maybe Toby had locked the door behind himself by mistake. It was hard to remember things when all too consumed with grief and guilt, after all.

Opening the door, it was Rebecca on the other side. Surprised, Kate began to speak, the voice leaving her mouth not sounding the same to her.

"Mom, what are you doing here?"

"Come here," Rebecca said gently, walking forward to hug her daughter.

Now wrapped in her mother's arms, the flood gate of all Kate's emotions opened. She began to cry.

Rebecca whispered that she was right here, and it was meant with her whole heart. The one thing Rebecca wanted more than anything in the world right now was to be there for Kate. The pain of losing Kyle came back as soon as she had gotten the call earlier. Grief from losing a child was something she knew all too well. After a few minutes, Rebecca pulled away, speaking softly.

"Kate, sweetheart, why don't we go sit down? I can make us some tea to help you calm down a bit".

"Okay," Kate responded, still raw with emotion. Just about anything would be better than feeling this way. She walked to the living room and Rebecca began to make tea. Kate wrapped the blanket that had been lying on the couch around herself; she was so exhausted. Hearing the cups of tea being placed on the table, Rebecca sat next to her.

"I'm so sorry," Rebecca began, choosing her words carefully. "I know it isn't the same thing, but when I lost Kyle, I had so many wondering thoughts about what I could have done or should have done. I thought if I had done one thing differently, maybe I wouldn't have lost him. Maybe it was my fault that he was gone, and there was nothing I could do to bring him back."

"It wasn't your fault," Kate replied, tears starting to well up in her eyes again. She blinked, trying to keep her emotions at bay. She couldn't break down again, not now.

"And this wasn't yours, honey", Rebecca said, looking into Kate's eyes. "You couldn't have known this was going to happen-"

"But it was my fault!" Kate cried out; too exhausted to keep it all inside anymore. "...Just like Dad", she finished with a whisper, a sob escaping her throat. It was her fault and had been forever, why couldn't everyone else see that?

Slightly taken aback, Rebecca immediately wanted to comfort Kate. Since Jack had died, Kate blamed herself, but it was never her fault. And now she thought she was to blame for the fact that she lost her child, too? The weight of those heavy feelings had to be absolutely crushing and so painful. Rebecca knew she needed to be the strong one right now, just like she was all those years ago when Jack died.

"Oh, sweetheart," she started, pulling Kate towards her, gently bringing Kate's head to her chest with her hand. "Your father dying was never your fault. He made a choice to go back into that house the night of the fire...he wouldn't even listen to me. I thought he was going to be okay when we watched him walk outside. He was such a family man and he loved us so much, especially you. He'd never want you to blame yourself for his death. I told you after his funeral that if I needed to spend the rest of my life telling you it wasn't your fault, I would. There was nothing anyone could do to stop the heart attack once it happened, it was catastrophic according to the doctor in the ER that night. You can't blame yourself for losing the baby either, things just happen outside of our control. What I failed to realize when your father died was that I was too overwhelmed with my own grief to help you, and I'm sorry for that. But I'm here now, and I wish that I could take the pain away from you. You don't deserve any of it, Bug. I promise."

Feeling Kate shake because of her sobbing broke Rebecca's heart. Grief had the power to make someone's world completely stop at a moment's notice out of nowhere. As Kate cried, Rebecca stroked Kate's hair and whispered words of comfort, hoping it would calm her down. Jack, if you're out there, Rebecca thought, hoping against all hope that he could hear her, _please watch out for our baby girl._

Everything was painful and Kate could barely breathe, all she could do was cry. Hearing Rebecca's heartbeat, all she could think was _Daddy, I miss you and need you here_. Slowly, she felt herself beginning to drift off into sleep.

Kate was in the living room of the burnt down house, sitting on the couch. Looking around in wonder, she realized that everything was the same as that Sunday, as if the fire had never even occurred. She was her adult self now, comforted to be back in a place she knew so well. The sun shone in the window, and she could see glitter on the floor. Memories of happier times, but something felt...off. Hearing a knock at the door, Kate got up to answer it. Slowly pulling open the door, her mouth dropped open.

"Dad?"

"Hi, Katie girl," Jack smiled at her, with nothing but love and warmth in his eyes. He was wearing a white shirt and jeans, just as he had when they last saw each other.

"Dad!" Kate exclaimed, hugging him. She couldn't believe this; her dad was here again. Everything was going to be okay now. "I've missed you so much, and...I'm so sorry you died because of me. I wish more than anything that you were still alive, and if I hadn't called out for Louie that night, maybe you would be."

Pulling back from Kate, Jack looked at his daughter in surprise. "Kate, why don't we go sit down on the couch and talk a little bit, okay?" he suggested. Kate needed to know that it wasn't her fault. Putting his arm around her, Jack led her into the living room and they sat down together. He grabbed Kate's hands and began to speak.

"Katie girl, it wasn't your fault that I died, it's never been your fault. Please listen to me. I had a way of not talking about things when I was alive because of the things that I went through. Your mom and I were a great couple together, but there's things that even she didn't know," He broke off, feeling sad for what he was about to say. "I had a heart condition, Kate. Ever since I was a kid, it was there. I knew about it, but I never let it stop me from doing anything I wanted to do. The night of the fire, I went back in there to get some important things to our family, as you know. I went in there knowing that I shouldn't have, but I did it anyway because you guys were my life, and I needed to save things that were important to us."

As she listened, Kate felt stunned at this revelation. "So...you put yourself in danger on purpose!? What the hell, Dad?" She questioned, narrowing her eyes. Jack let go of Kate's hand, he knew she'd be angry.

"I'm so sorry, what I did was a mistake. I wasn't a perfect man, as much as I tried to be. I tried so hard to be a better man than my father was to me. I never wanted my family to go through something like I did when I was younger." Jack sighed, seeing the hurt in Kate's eyes. "I can see everything, Kate. I know you've blamed yourself for my dying for twenty years, and I also know that you lost your baby. I want you to know that you can't blame yourself for either of those things. Things just happen that we have no control over. It might not feel like it now, but things will be okay. Your mom, your brothers, and Toby all love you. You might not ever get over the pain that you feel, and you might always feel it. I just know that one day you'll be able to smile and be happy again."

"It's just felt so empty without you," Kate confessed, knowing that she was about to start crying again. "Like the world turned dark and I could see no light. A world without my Dad in it is just...I feel so broken," She sighed, surprised at herself for admitting these things. Locking away her feelings was kind of her special talent. "And now I've lost my child as well...I didn't even know if it was a him or her, how am I supposed to make peace with all the pain I have? How do I make it stop? That's all I want; I want it to stop. Whenever I see babies out in public, or a girl walking around with her dad, I feel so much pain. It feels impossible to even breathe. It's not fair!"

"No, it isn't," Jack agreed, feeling pained for one of his children. "I wish I had answers for you, I really do. I love you so much, and I know your mom does, too. Just because I'm not physically on Earth anymore doesn't mean I'm not around. I yell at the Steelers whenever they make a bad play," he joked, causing Kate to smile a little bit. "I'm always going to be there for you, Kate. Nothing you do will stop me from loving you and watching over you."

"Dad, I want to stay here with you. Nothing has been okay since you died. Sure, Mom, Kev, and Randall and I talk about you all the time, but...I feel like none of them really have been able to understand what it felt like for me to lose you."

"I know it's painful, but you have so many people who still love you. You may not be able to see it, Kate, but you're a light in other people's lives and the world. You're so important to your mom, Kevin, Randall, Toby, and the rest of our family. Please, try and open up to them, they love you as much as I do. If you keep all of your painful emotions inside, it's just going to hurt more. None of us want to see you in pain. We want you to be able to forgive yourself." Jack said, hoping Kate would take this to heart. He reached over to her, giving her a loving hug.

"I love you too, Dad. Please don't leave me, please..." Kate responded, never wanting this to end. It was the only way she'd have Jack back.

"You have to go back to your Mom, Katie girl. Tell everyone I love them and that I'm always watching over them." Jack said, as he began to fade away.

Kate's eyes slowly opened, realizing she had fallen asleep. She was still in the same position as she was before, still feeling Rebecca breathing. Slowly, she moved herself to a sitting position, thinking over everything that had happened in her dream. She had heard Jack's voice and felt his hugs, why did the dream have to end? Bebecca's voice broke Kate from her thoughts.

"Hi," Rebecca said softly. "Did you have a nice nap?" She smiled a little, hoping that Kate was more rested than she had been before. The emotions she had been feeling had to be so tiring.

Remembering her dream, Kate thought for a moment before giving an answer to that question. "Well...I dreamed about Dad", she admitted, still holding on to the things that Jack had said in her dream. She wasn't sure if she was ready to share what he had said with anyone else, or if the dream could even be considered real. But he had asked her to be more open with the people who loved her, right?

"Oh, you did? How was it? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"He told me he loved me, and that his death wasn't my fault, nor was losing the baby. Honestly Mom, I'm not even sure it was real. But I was in our old house before the fire. I could see and feel Dad as if he was really alive. He told me...he told me to be more open with the people who love me, like you, Kevin, Randall, and Toby. I just..." Kate trailed off, wondering if she really wanted to continue.

Rebecca took Kate's hand into hers, much like Kate had experienced in her dream with Jack. "Go ahead, you can tell me." Rebecca gently encouraged.

"I guess I just...I have a hard time feeling safe with other people. Even people I know I can be safe with, like all of you. I get so scared that I'm going to lose someone else."

"I can at least tell you that you're always safe with me, even though I know things haven't always been easy for us. I promise that I'll always be there to listen to you, you're my baby girl and you always have been. I love you so much, Bug, and I know I'm not the only one. Your brothers will always listen to you, and Toby will too. You're not alone in the things that you feel, and we just want you to be okay because we love you." Rebecca said. She had known that she made some mistakes with Kate throughout the years, but she wanted to be there for her daughter.

"I love you too, Mom. Thank you for coming out here, I didn't really know it before, but I needed to see you. Feeling all of this has been so hard, but...it makes me feel a little bit better knowing that you're here." Kate smiled, and Rebecca was glad to see it. They hugged each other again, both bonded together by something they had gone through.

With her parents' words in her mind, Kate felt a little bit lighter compared to how she usually felt. It was going to be a long road ahead of her, and she'd still have to talk to Toby. But...maybe now she could forgive herself, or at least start. Like Jack had said, the pain may never go away, but she could at least try to heal. Forgiveness could come in small pieces, and she could try again.


End file.
